~itybit

i dont want to be here right now. im in that state of mind where the world can pretty much just kiss my ass. ive had a shitty week and the only person i want to be with is sick, and theres nothing i can do about it. im tired. im worn. i feel like a wallet thats about to fall apart, spilling every piece of vital information to the avenue below. i know life isnt fair, but sometimes the pendulum is supposed to swing my way too, isnt it? they are supposed to bring feelings of warmth, feelings of inspiration to me. instead, they breed hatred, spite, anger, a lust for harm. i feel dark around them. i dont want them around me. i hate myself for feeling that way, i hate them for making me hate myself. i scream, and it falls on deaf ears. i am cast as the outcast. i am the priestess, not the put upon. but they dont see it from my eyes. they dont feel it with my fingertips. their ears dont tingle and burn the way mine do when put in this position.

i feel the darkness surrounding me. it envelops me like a blanket. though i do not wish its presence flee from me, i feel uncomfortable under its breadth. its not as if its an old friend, welcomed to the hearth. but its not as if its a stranger on a cold winter's night either. i find myself dipping my feet in its icy waters, wanting no part in it really, except as an escape from where i am now. i feel evil almost. i feel wrath and rage in my fingers. the warmth encircles each digit with a want to harm, almost a need. its almost more than i can handle, and yet, i find myself relishing in it, every breath i take more and more devilish. i want to hurt them. i want them to feel the pain i do. the neglect. the wanting. the want of appreciation. the want of love. the want of understanding.

the darkness knocks at my heart again, wooing me with heartfelt rhymes of ending my confusion. my pain. my hurt. you'll live in ecstacy. the amount of pain will turn into double the amount of insurmountable power. you will become unstoppable. all it takes is giving in. i cannot though. i cannot be overtaken. i feel comfortable in knowing it is not my destiny to be black. but is it really to be white? maybe i am doomed to a shade of grey, living in purgatory, a limbo of sorts. im not supposed to have a clear answer in anything.

my loneliness sends a chill down my spine. the place is full of occupants, and yet my corner is desolate. what used to be unkept order is now an order of disaster. strewn objects, poked and prodded, all for momentary amusement. not mine, if i dont say so myself. there will be no amusement for me in any of this. as usual, i get to be the slave thats painted to be the princess. the pauper to the priestess.

in my shade of grey i wait and ponder, to be alone yet again.